Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo...

This is just a quick and general observation-- a strange happening I've noticed over the past few months. There seems to be an astonishing and completely unfounded proliferation of short people clogging up subway stations these days. When you compound these persons' slight vertical statures with the fact that they all seem to be rather rotund and pear-shaped in nature, there comes an obvioius impedance for all others traversing this underground transit system. Foot traffic has now been slowed to a complete halt, as these small balls of sloth seem to travel in groups and revel in walking side-by-side in the smallest of areas. Additionally, when one of these wobbling fatbodies tries to squeeze their elephantine hindquarters through a terrified turnstile, a bottleneck of agitated commuters forms for miles behind it. It is quite possible that one could witness the seasons change waiting for this person's gargantuan buttocks to pass through to the other side. The last, and most obvious, problem that arises from these tiny minions of obesity occurs on the subway cars themselves. In mathematical terms, it is generally a given that one seat equals one person (all dimensions being proper and correct, give or take an inch or two). However, this equation becomes fallible when some give more than an inch or two; say maybe a foot or four. When in a seated position, their fat seems to flow laterally and engulf and suffocate all space surrounding it. (A suggestion: why not have them lay sideways on subway seats and stack them up to the ceiling of the car? Surely some sort of strap could be devised that would hold them safe and fast on their journey to whatever White Castle is nearest the next stop.)

In closing, I would like to state that I am completely befuddled by the origins of these diminutive carriers of corpulence. There is a distinct possibility that somewhere midgets are breeding with humpback whales, but I currently lack the resources to fund such a fact-finding mission. The only advice I can offer that might resolve this dilemma is this:

If the chicken legs you are about to inhale are bigger than you, use them as stilts instead of a mid-day snack, and kill two birds with one stone.